The Weather

We get up around 5:30 every morning to have coffee before the dh goes to work. This morning I actually had to put on a sweater! I am soooooo happy. I do not enjoy summer. I hate the heat and no one wants to see me in a halter top - trust me!

So hurry up fall and winter. Come and stay for a while.

Feeling better, well emotionally at least

I was pretty down after the diagnosis. Then the occupational therapy was shocking. Then the results of the MRI (erosions confirmed) was just the last straw. On top of everything, I was still not on any treatment. I felt like I was in limbo.

Yesterday, though, I started methotrexate. I am on half the maximum dose for 2 weeks then I bump up to the max (20mg). This is taken once a week, so I decided Monday night would be my dose, then all day Tuesday I can rest.

I finally picked up my knitting last night. I hadn't knitted since Thursday's knit night. I am working on a short sleeve tee. I can't wait to wear it. I used Elizabeth Zimmerman's percentage raglan as the main pattern, but I adapted the shape using the techniques in Big Girl Knits. Waist shaping and bust darts along with lower rounded neckline. (not too low though!)

Therapy update

I saw the occupational therapist yesterday. He is very thorough. I cannot say enough about OSFs therapist's professionalism and knowledge. I had a bad experience at Methodist's physical therapy so I am very glad that this will be a good one.

The only thing is... Occupational therapy was so depressing. They gave me a foam tube for me to put my silverware in to hold it while I eat. " don't grasp anything between your index finger and thumb. uh... how am I going to knit?

I know that being worried about knitting, of all things, sounds very trivial, but knitting is a huge part of my life. It is my therapy, social outlet and my passion. It makes me happy.

My goal with RA is... what ever I need to do to keep knitting.

I have a wonderful friend who told me that she would duct tape the needles to my hands and hold my hands and we will knit together. I am not a tearful person, but that about did me in :)

We are living in Hell!

We don't have central air. we have a window unit in the living room and one in each of the bedrooms. its a big old house though and the upstairs hall is like a wet sauna. There have been heat advisories all week. My dishes are piling up, I haven't cooked in a week, and I can't care. I am sitting in my room in front of the air conditioner and knitting.

Thank God it's Thursday!

Tonight is knit night. It is better than therapy. Socialization, creativity, conversation, beauty and friends.

tonight's theme (for me) is finishing! I must finish at least one of the "almost done" things I have. I have a basket of unfinished objects (UFOs). I call it my basket of shame!

Wow, I'm moody

That last post was depressing! I've been really moody. That is not like me at all. I'm a roll with the punches kind of person, but I think this is more like grief.

Today, though, I am happy. I am going to lunch with a good friend and it is sunny (but hot, so we'll stay indoors).

Crisis

cri·sis
   [krahy-sis] noun, plural -ses  [-seez],adjective
–noun

1. a stage in a sequence of events at which the trend of all future events, especially for better or for worse, is determined; turning point.
   
2. a condition of instability or danger, as in social, economic, political, or international affairs, leading to a decisive change.
   
3. a dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a person's life.
   
   

I sometimes wonder if I really experience more times of crisis in my life than most people, or is it just how it affects me? Then I look back at the events in my life and realize that I really do have way too many crises to deal with. There have been times in my life that I have fleeting thoughts of walking out of my front door and just keep walking, or perhaps just crawl under my bed to stay.

I love my family. Truly I do. But even for a large family it is just too hard. My children are wonderful people. They have good natures and all of them, though very different, have great strengths. But sometimes people do not make good choices. Sometimes things happen that cannot be helped.

I cannot count the number of visits we have made to the ER for serious injuries or illnesses. Depression, bipolar and anxiety runs in my husband's family and my husband and children are not immune to this ailment. Epilepsy runs in my family and 2 of my sons and I suffer from this. One son's epilepsy is very dangerous for him and each seizure is a medical emergency. I also have narcolepsy as does one of my daughters. My other daughter has had 3 surgeries and a severe dog attack that required ongoing care. Another son has had more injuries than his fair share because he is fearless and extremely active. The 2 youngest are teenagers now and this has not been a completely enjoyable experience.

I have had to pick up 1 child from jail 2 times before, and another once. Now a 3rd has decided to join this little group and I am doing this again today.

I have been ill for over 3 years now. Some severe virus hit me and caused an autoimmune disorder. I feel much better now, but if I over exert myself (like going downstairs to do laundry) I can get sick all over again. My Dr. told me to eliminate stress from my life......... um, I have no response for this statement.

Thank God I have my knitting and spinning. In these crafts I can escape and relax. This is my therapy.

Tonight, after I pick up my 16 year old from the Juvenile Detention Center, I am going to come home, take a hot bath and sit in my sanctuary (wool room) and knit non-stop.

I need a happy thought, I have lost my ability to fly.

Obstaclel list (partial I'm sure)

Obstacle #1: I am, and always have been, an insufficient house keeper. I know to a lot of women this means - oh my God, I need to vacuum! but no, There are huge dust clouds rolling around like sage brush. You have to wash a glass to get a drink of water. I can't remember making my bed last... you get the idea? I am not a hoarder, I hate junk. it is the enemy. but, Stuff gets moved from one place to another for some unknown reason. I can't pick up today where I left off yesterday...

Obstacle #2: I had 4 children in the first 5 years of our marriage, then 4 years later after a tubal removal I had one more, then 18 months later one more. After that, Sean had a vasectomy and that worked! Now I know this made everything much harder, but I will not blame my lack of home-making abilities on that. Now our children are age 15 - 27. We have 2 grandchildren.

Obstacle #3: I have been sick for 3 years with some unknown Neuro-muscular autoimmune disorder. I also have Narcolepsy, Catalplexy and Epilepsy (newly discovered but I've had since childhood) Now this I will say has definately had a huge part in my ability to keep the house clean. Lack of focus, episodes of blank stares and forgetting what I was doing - all have impaired my efficiency to say the least. Now Lack of energy, now joint pain, severe muscle tightness and extreme fatigue are almost incapacitating me. I have been on anti-seizure meds for about a year now, and they are improving my mental capacities. I now know exactly what I need to do, but I am very limited in energy and strength to get this done. Pacing my self seems to be the key.

Obstacle #4: Our financial status is less than ideal. We can pay bills and eat. That's about it. So anything that needs fixed takes some ingenuity. In this regard there are many things that "work" but don't look very good. Our hardwood floors are unsealed and very hard to keep clean. These things need to be rectified, but I need to get the house in order before embarking on that.

So that is a partial list of my shortcomings. There are, of course many many more....

Welcome

Welcome to my blog. Feel free to read all my ramblings. I can't imagine that anyone will, and that's fine. This is just my way of releasing thoughts and feelings to the void.

M.